You Mugged My Heart

How did it happen? A simple phone call has me planning a wedding. I drove to a place I wasn't sure how to get to, let alone trying to find a parking place. Finally finding my location I walk through the gate, to a tiny dug up yard with lots of construction. I reached the door and gave a gentle knock. You answered, smiling and tan, in a Venice Beach Canal cottage.

We sat at a round wooden striped down, paint spattered table and talked about mushrooms, chicken wings, champagne and cake. My brain was focused on something else, total eye contact from the girl at the beach that I thought I knew from her dad. Oh my God, I am going to sleep with this woman. We planned the event she didn't even want to talk about at all. I was distracted by hammers and noises from the roof. With some interjection from her dad, the party was planned.

Days later; I really don't know why but I am running late. I think I forgot something and had to drive back to my apartment. Dressed in my tux, perfectly planned and organized but late. I never set up a party so fast in a little kitchen, little table and lots of mini foods. My brain said move it, it has to be ready when ceremony is over. She came to help in the kitchen, knowing I was a little stressed out as I apologized for my lateness. "I'm OK" go be with your family.

Quietly I set up and warmed some early munchies and watched the family gather for ceremonial activities. After much of the family giggling, the knot was tided, so I passed some shrimp and mushrooms, and set up all the finger food on the small table. In such a tiny space, people mingled inside and out by the canal. She was bored with the whole idea of her dad getting married again and came to try to help me. I was fine but she continued to talk about my positive energy and thought we should go have a drink somewhere after the party. Champagne and cake was served and it seemed to be over so quickly. I was exhausted and barely had just enough energy to clean up. My car was parked a block away and I thought I would drop to a chair at a certain point.

I could not even think about going out, when I was so tired. How about we connect another time, like next week? This was so much fun and you are amazing, call me. She volunteered to take me to my car. So I packed up and accepted. Around the block, in a Blue VW convertible it could have happened right there but did not. I wanted to just lean right over and kiss her right on her the lips, right there in her car. No, do not freak her out. She told me she was going to Mexico for vacation and would call when she returned and we parted our ways.

About a week later I missed her call but got a message; "I missed you." (Bell Number 1.)My thoughts were confused, why would she miss me? I called her back and asked if she would like to go out another night and possibly go to a bar her friend Shelly was running in Hollywood. "SPARKS" was the woman's gay club that was the happening place in town. We made plans to go on Friday and she called me on Thursday to make sure I understood this was not a date. Who said anything about a date? (Bell number 2.) She agreed to go and Shelly was surprised to see her and then wondered why she was with me.

Strange but funny encounter. Shelly paid for our drinks and off we went to watch people dancing. We had so much fun dancing and watching all the girls. Then towards the end of the night off the dance floor leaning near the mirrors, I look into her eyes and kissed her. And she definitely kissed me back. It was hard to decide when to leave that bar that night knowing confronting the next step was on the horizon so we stayed to the end, until last call and had to leave. Driving back to my apartment was a quiet conversation, I don't remember. I pulled into my carport space and turned off the car and kissed her again. I am not sure why the great make out session continued but we remained there until 6am. I never considered moving into my apartment thinking my roommate Peter would be there and I think she would have felt uncomforable knowing that. He was not as I later found out.

I went to Palm Springs for the weekend but got a call from her telling me she really couldn't do "this" Do what? Oh yeah be gay. Ok we had fun and all was good I could be her friend or not and move on. Whatever she wanted at that moment was fine with me. Then two days later another call came in. Let's have dinner and talk. Sounds good.

We went to dinner at this cool place on Melrose with lots of discussion about what was not going to happen because she felt she was not gay and could not keep going back and forth with my emotions as well as hers. Nice enlightening night so we decided to go back to my apartment to listen to music and talk more. Once we were there we stayed very separate, me on the couch and her in a chair. I excused myself for a moment and went to bathroom and when I returned she was on the couch. The next conversation was how she wanted to be close and hold and kiss me. Really, make up your mind as I wanted to just jump her at this point. Once again we made out like teenagers until midnight when she left because we set a curfew that this time we would not go into the morning hours. Talk to you tomorrow!

On Friday my favorite grandmother past away, so I started drinking tequila feeling sorry for myself. She calls and wants to come over to console me but it is 6 o'clock at night, which means she may stay?

"I am coming over" I said ok. I was waiting a long time for her to come from Venice Beach, which should only take about forty minutes. An hour goes by and the phone rings; "I can't do this; I got into my car drove for fifteen minutes and turned around." I was a little high by now so I didn't care about any decisions she was making. It's ok I tell her, I will talk to tomorrow. About twenty minutes later the phone rings again and there she tells me she is coming over. Another hour goes by and the phone rings again. Ok, It's ok if you are not coming over, stop already. No I am up the street two blocks away; I got into a minor car accident and have to wait for the police to file a report.

By the time she arrives at my house around midnight. There was no conversation or real greeting, just a kiss and held her hand to walk to my bed. All night was pleasant, new and curiously gentle. We stay up all night kissing, touching and being close.

In the morning at 7am I have to pack my car and cater a breakfast in Pasadena with no sleep. I really wanted to stay but have to go, tired but who cares I am smiling and blissfully high. I tell her she can leave when she is ready and not worry about my door. Jesus, pack the car and go, I will call you later.

All day I just wanted to talk to her knowing she will probably change her mind once again. No contact, no answer, all day? I finally finish my catering job and I get to go home. I couldn't reach her at all. Why not? Because there she is still parked in my spot behind my apartment. I hope she's ok, I can't even imagine why she is still here, just sitting on my couch in a pink turtleneck. Hey, what's up? I could not leave the energy I feel in this space, I love it here and wanted to be with you again. We ordered a pizza, I fell asleep, and she stayed another night. The next day she has to go home, and she asks me to come over. I stay there for two nights and must go home. We will talk later, which becomes her confused ideas about not wanting to be gay and starting something she can't finish.

I remember every fucking minute of our short lived relationship. Breathing, touching, music, Streisand, Yentl, floor of your Park Place Venice Beach home, showers, cat through the skylight over the bed, dinners, how many times you went back home, phone calls, car accident, you staying the weekend the first time you appeared at my door. Our first movie (Flash Dance) Westwood, Thai food, lunch breaks, Croissant Place, Blue VW convertible, alarm code 410, me teaching you to cook chicken, Palm Springs, 84 Olympics and the letter you left me at the end that I still have. Gotta still have something? And yes I'm still reminiscing the greatest love of my life imbedded in my heart and soul. I wake up almost everyday and think of you. I wonder if it is ever going to matter to you how you really feel and continue to remind me how sorry you are that you can not fulfill my wishes and dreams. And yet continuously you tell me how you think of me often. What do you think about? Do you think about memories or the what if you actually went through with us? That energy still lives with me every day and wish I could have it back. Just kiss me one more time and tell me if you don't feel something and I will believe you. I don't believe you right now.

I love your kid, I love your dog, and I'm still in love with you. All I need you to know is how much I still feel you within my chest. I so wish you could connect with me again without you breathing so hard! You are not gay, you just love me and you are passing it up. If I told you I was dying, would you come lie in my bed? You're straight and where has that gotten you? Yes I am cocky and self assured but I don't understand how you can just pass up the love of your life.

It is nice right now knowing I can visit without much intrusion and sleep on your couch and get to connect even so superficially. I still wish you would just come out of your bed and be by side as I fall asleep there. Thanks for letting me stay there.

In 2010 I moved to the desert and I wonder if you will come visit me as you drove to see that other guy an hour away. We will see how much I can stress you out on a yearly basis, until you say stop. I won't call too much I will let time move the course and hope I can connect more effectively. Come for dinner, it worked once before. Come swim and dance. Come smile, or just tell me NO. I would love to have 1984 back again so much it takes away my breath and wish to feel your lips next to mine. Or maybe a smile or a regardless look. The last time you were here you said you couldn't be tempted by my charms. But those were your thoughts, I was well behaved with my energy and just took you to dinner. So seduction was not even on my agenda or even in my thoughts. A positive conversation with some direction would have been nice, with some solutions to help me out.

So once a year you could come here and be with me and possibly enjoy being your true self. Drop your thoughts about being gay, just free, real and just maybe comfortable and relaxed in your own skin. No one has to even know where you are or going. Tell me how you feel and what you would do if you even thought about making some kind of choice about who you truly love. You tell me all the time that you're sorry you can't fulfill my wishes but I think deep down, you think about it. You're not gay you are just in love with me. If you didn't have a son it could be different but what do you think he knows about us. He's a very smart and progressive man who I'm sure he wonders how we connected. Has he ever asked you any questions or been curious about us?

I'm sure you throw away 90% of the stuff I send in the mail or maybe you lock it up somewhere for you to read again or for someone to find when you are gone. Whatever you do with all of this moronic bullshit, I hope it at least it pulls something out of you besides negative answers to my dreams.

I truly love all of you and wish I could share all the precious moments we shared once before. Share that piece of us that is always there.

Good bye my love you finally said no more.

I've given into your dreams. I just woke up and I check my phone, emails, facebook, bank and phone calls. Oh look, I think one of those phone numbers belongs to PK. I check my contacts and the number is her cell phone. Should I call her back or wait and see if she calls back. No messages left, so I choose to wait. She has definitely gotten my ten page story by now on how we met. And about all the reasons why I don't understand why she can't just live the greatest love of her life.

So if she stops labeling herself and comes to terms of what we had and just follows her heart she may stop telling me, she's not like that anymore. Every time I do see her the comments fly through her lips reminiscing how she can't do this again. The cards apologize that she can't fulfill my dreams but wishes she could.

I'm sitting home today so I turn my ringer back on my phone, hoping she calls back so I can find out why she is calling in the first place. She does call back and tells me she is coming to the desert. I assume she's coming to see Monica, her dads last wife who now lives in Palm Springs. That was the wedding in 1983 I catered. I call her back and she tells me she will probably go see her and possibly stay with her but is actually wanting to come see me. What? Why? Are you ok? She reminds me of the final letter she wrote me as she made the decision to not have a relationships with me anymore. Remember how I said I would come pound down your door if I could ever make a decision. What is she talking about, she's made some crazy decision? She says she is coming to knock softly and wants to know if I'll be around. She tells me she has wasted a lot of selfless time thinking about what we had and what could have been back then instead of getting married. She hides herself away, never moving from her position at the computer only to walk her dog and visit occasional family members. "Fuck-it" She plans on trying this one more time if I can put up with her. She still loves and cherishes what we had. She wants to slowly stay with me and try to be present. Somehow she has realized she can't hide from her feelings for me anymore. Can I come see you?

Really? Are you kidding, of course come see me. We can go to dinner or I can cook us dinner. Come whenever you want, my schedule is open, especially if I have a chance to see you. Just let me know so I can be here or meet you somewhere if you are not comfortable coming to my house until we talk. She says she'll call tomorrow so she can decide when and where.

Holy crap, what has impacted her to decide after 36 years to reconnect and try to be here? I have not been able to release her from my mind or heart. I have truly annoyed her many times with my foolish wishes, cards, letters and poetry. What the hell is happening? Has she lost her mind or regained a chance of freedom from herself.

Oh well this was my last fantasy and she has told me to not communicate with her anymore. I love you anyway and anyhow.